Before I take you on a journey through my anxious mind, I want to let you know that I am fully aware of how ridiculous some of what I’m going to share will sound. Believe me. I have a judgemental voice in my head that chimes in with her opinions on a daily basis. This blog is to share my emotional struggles. Maybe you can relate and not feel so alone. Or better yet, maybe you’ll learn a little more about how anxiety manifests itself in some people.
Let’s start with life before COVID. My anxiety would be triggered if my son had a particularly bad day at school (dealing with his big emotions, trouble focusing, etc). I would also get anxious if he got sick...even with a cold...because it meant he would have trouble sleeping. When your work day starts at 1:45am...the anxiety shoots through the roof at the thought of any disruptions in the middle of the night. I would also get anxious if something unexpected would come up at work that required some last minute juggling. I hate saying no...which gets me in trouble.
Before the pandemic, I was managing my anxiety by scheduling and planning. This way, I had time carved out for work-related issues...and time carved out for home/personal issues. As long as I got to address both parts of my life...I was “okay.” Anxious people like to plan for the “unexpected”...because it makes us feel like we’re in control somehow. We think by imagining and preparing (in our minds) for any potential outcome, we won’t be caught off guard or blindsided. Well, guess what? Not even my anxious mind could imagine our lives being turned upside down by a virus.
When news first started bubbling about a coronavirus spreading in China, a little alarm went off in my head. I started to feel anxious...because I had a feeling this was going to become a global issue. A few weeks later, we had the first reported case of COVID-19 in the United States. The first thing I did was order a pulse oximeter. I had been reading about how the virus attacks the lungs and I wanted to have something to measure our oxygen level in case we got sick. I already had gloves (I have been using them for years when I cook chicken or raw meat). I also had masks from when I had my preventive double mastectomy a couple of years ago. I wore them around Donato while I healed from my surgery...because I didn’t want to risk getting sick during recovery (another example of planning).
As the virus slowly started to spread in the U-S, I was going through my mental checklist of everything my family needed (from cleaning products to meal prepping). Once that list was complete, I breathed a sigh of relief. Not long after that, kids stopped going to school...and my husband and I both started working from home. I breathed another sigh of relief. We were staying put. I even stopped going to the grocery store (Instacart). Away from people...safe in our bubble. I was okay. My anxiety was in check.
Over the course of the next few weeks, we got into our new rhythm at home. Yes, it was stressful trying to juggle work and homeschooling...but we were healthy. Donato’s emotional health became a priority...so I didn’t beat myself up too much if we didn’t spend more than an hour a day on his schoolwork. I knew he was ready for first grade academically. I just needed to focus on his mental health by creating a new routine for us. After about six-weeks, I realized this pandemic was going to be around for MUCH longer than anyone was willing to admit. Hello anxiety. With no clear direction from leaders (so many mixed messages) and no end in sight for how divided this country was becoming with each passing day, my anxiety started to take over again. My usual coping mechanism (planning) was useless because no one really knows when all this will “end.” My anxious mind desperately needs an expiration date. Even if someone says it will be two years before we get back to life without social distancing and masks, I will feel better...because then I’d have a definite END DATE. Yes, it will suck for the next two years...but at least I would know for sure when it would end. However, this virus is proving to be tricky and no one can tell us for sure when/if we can safely be around family again...which brings me to my next obstacle.
Since I was born and raised in the DC area, I have never gone more than a couple of weeks without seeing a family member. I know I’m fortunate. I have never taken that for granted...especially during special occasions and holidays. I have never had to travel far to see a relative. My father lives a mile away. My aunts (mom’s sisters) became my surrogate moms after my mother passed away in 2009. My sister and aunts have helped me raise Donato. I’m not exaggerating when I say my “village” has saved me during the darkest times.
When we were all first asked to quarantine, my husband and I decided to stay away from family and friends. We didn’t want to take chances with anyone’s health. I kept saying it was temporary. We still talked and video chatted, so it was okay. My sister and I took turns delivering food and essentials to our dad. We were safe. I was good...but eventually, the isolation started to take its toll. Even as people started to visit their family or friends in smaller groups, I stayed away. I have been too afraid to be near them. My dad came and sat in our yard (six feet away) for father’s day. I was so anxious the entire time that I couldn’t focus on the conversation.
A couple of weeks ago, I finally got enough courage to sit in our yard (socially distant) with some neighbors. I still won’t let Donato play with kids in our neighborhood...even though some families have started letting their kids play with others outside. I feel bad depriving him of that interaction, but my anxious mind is too worried about them playing close together (he is 6yrs old and can’t really be mindful enough to stay 6 feet away.) Don’t even get me started on the school situation. I’ve spoken to his teacher and school counselor already about the pros/cons of sending him back for in-school learning two days a week. I’m going to speak to the pediatrician next. It’s my anxious mind doing all the research...desperate for reassurance....desperate to do the right thing for my child...desperate to do the right thing for my family. It’s overwhelming.
Despite my emotional struggles, there have been positive things to focus on the past few months. My husband and I are still employed (for now). Donato has gotten better at controlling his big emotions. He has become more independent. He has started to try different foods (a big win for picky eaters). He has also learned to accept this temporary reality...even if it makes him sad. My marriage is as strong as it’s ever been. My husband and I are a team in every sense of the word. He is ready to give me a healing hug whenever I need one. We have our health. All that we have sacrificed is worth it as long as we get through this healthy. And...I know we aren’t alone. This disruption isn’t happening to just our family...it’s happening to everyone. There is some comfort in that too. Yes, there are days when I wish I wasn’t so afraid to step out of my bubble like some people...but then I remind myself that I’m not like everyone else. I need to do what feels right for me and my family.
I don’t know about you, but this year is going by much faster than I thought it would under the circumstances. I can’t believe it’s already July. I’m already thinking about the holidays and bracing myself to spend them without family for the first time in my life. If I’m wrong, it will be a nice surprise. And...next year will be twice as special.
You may be wondering what it will take for me to breathe my next big sigh of relief and be comfortable seeing family again. The answer: a safe and effective treatment. Once doctors/researchers/scientists have figured out a treatment course that’s working for a majority of people, I will feel better. We may be weeks or months away from that happening...but I do believe it will happen eventually. Until then, I’m going to count my blessings and focus on all that is good in my life. I'm also going to try to limit my time on social media. This is tough to avoid because of my job. However, I can limit how often I check articles. I can also limit how much I read in the comment section of divisive stories.
I've been talking to a therapist every week. I had taken a break for a couple of years...but I'm back at it. If you have the means to talk to a professional, do it. I think it's worth a shot. You should never feel like you're alone in your struggle. I hope reading about my anxiety makes you feel less alone.