Guilt.
I've lived 47 years of life now, and I can tell you I've never had the mental health breakthroughs like I've had in the last four years. Every time I peel back a layer of the onion in life, I encounter something new.
Today, I encountered this irrational feeling of guilt. Not because I did something wrong, but because I did something for me. Let me explain.
While hunting for a home over the last few months, I've learned I need to do a few things personally, and financially, to increase my position to be able to take on other buyers in what clearly is a home-seller's market. I'll go into this more deeply in a future post or video blog on my YouTube channel, but long story short, I need more liquid cash in the cash pile to be able to make some statements when it comes to making offers on homes, throwing down 'earnest money' and the like.
So I've been paying off bills and tightening the belt when it comes to spending. In all areas.
But sometimes, the unexpected expense shows up.
I've known I had some wear-and-tear things coming up with my car. But I'm out of warranty, and, as you know, when out of warranty, things which come up are often costly. Out of a sense of loyalty, however, I've continued to go back to the dealer to handle repairs and issues. They've been great to me. I've been great to them. We've had a mutually-beneficial relationship, especially when I was under warranty, or extended warranty.
Warranties end.
Costs go up.
Here is where I am. Or was. Until today.
I messaged my 'guy' over at the dealer today and asked a few questions about some things. I get life is busy, and I know they've got so much going on with others just like me - in and out - of warranty. But when I realized today, I couldn't get some services I need before I have to travel to a local, yet, remote market location to work on some projects for the company tomorrow, I made a decision...
... to cheat on my service center. And to go... to a chain which deals with things on demand, with a Midas touch, in a jiffy, when it comes to lube, oil changes and more. I needed more than Just Brakes, and so, I did some homework, and found a place to go. A place which cost me hundreds less than a previous estimate I had received on some of the 'things' I would eventually need to correct.
I felt awful. I felt like I cheated on my family. My team. A partner.
I admonished myself for not being "loyal..."
But, was I really disloyal? Or was I being true to myself?
Even now, writing this to you, I can't tell if I was true to me, true to myself, or a freaking turncoat. Sure, I saved money. Sure, I got what I needed done in less than three hours today. Normal people wouldn't, I guess, have an issue with this.
But I do.
I'm feeling horrible because my local dealer service center has always been my ace-in-the-hole. They've always had my back. I know things are tough, loaner vehicles are scarce, I'm out of warranty, whatever. I still feel like I committed some infidelity because I went out of the house to get new rear brakes, an oil change, a tire rotation and more for hundreds of dollars less than I would have paid someplace else.
It's not rational. But it's how I feel. And I'm admonishing myself for even doing what I did today...
... even though it was the right thing for me.
Will I be able to forgive myself? I think so. Will I realize I didn't do anything wrong? Or that some people may not even care or have noticed? I don't know.
I just know how I feel. It's what I'm sharing with you now.
I don't know if this is a 'just me' thing. Or if it's even a thing. But it's life, for me today, and I'm distracted by it.
And guilty.
Thanks for reading.